Breaking Hearts

“Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them.” -Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

This year, this semester, has been a myriad of peaks, and valleys. I remember coming into the semester- getting my apartment set up after coming back from a retreat a week before classes began. Perhaps hindsight is glossing over whatever trifle I was dealing with at the time but the few weeks after that retreat were seamless, bright and promising. I had resolved that I would be intentional this year. I would take care of myself body, mind and spirit. I was regularly working out and eating well. I was watching what I put on and in my body- trying to get rid of harmful chemicals in my daily routine. I was cutting out binge- watching in favor of reading (not just for homework, but reading for pleasure too).

My spiritual life was okay- it was good. But the retreat before school began had shed light on a struggle: I could not get over this feeling that something something was holding me back from a more complete relationship with God. There was a wall I could not figure out how to tear down. I was going to frequent confessions, Mass, beginning to visit in the Adoration chapel more often. But there was still something I could not get past and I felt stuck spiritually.

Three weeks into the working out, the intentionality, the bright and promising beginning- God began breaking through that wall, by quite literally breaking my heart.

I woke up at 1 a.m. on a weekday morning with a racing heart. I thought perhaps I had a nightmare and my body was reacting. But it wouldn't stop. I tried walking around, breathing exercises but 5 minutes turned into 15...20...45. At this point I woke my roommate up, we sat in the living room and I called my parents, then an urgent care and went over my symptoms with them. At 1 hr 30 min the muscles in my chest started cramping up I felt it down my arm and up into my jaw. Nerves, and the now 2 hours of continual racing heart began to make me clammy, dizzy. At the urgent care's advice we got ready to head to the hospital. As I was putting my shoes on I felt like I was going to faint- and there was an absolutely piercing pain in my chest- then it stopped. I felt my heart start beating normally and muscles began relaxing again.

After a series of doctors, tests, monitors, and a few other episodes like the first- I found out I have a condition called Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome. I have an extra electrical pathway in my heart that can randomly trigger it into rapid heartbeat. Late August through October I was navigating this new discovery about my health and trying to continue living my life the way I had resolved at the beginning of the semester.

Around the same time I was beginning to get a hold on my heart problems, our family was rocked by news about the health of a family member. It was a shock and we were all looking with trepidation at the road suddenly laid ahead of us.

Waves of news continued as I learned about the illness of an uncle, the decline of another uncle, and I found out surgery would be the best option for my heart condition.

In the weeks and months that all of this unfolded, the spiritual wall that was holding me back from God was being broken down. With each wave of news or medical developments I felt more and more the desperation of not having control. I couldn't control a damn thing.

I went with that desperation and laid it all, sometimes in sobs and sometimes in dry-eyed exhausted whispers at the feet of Christ crucified.

I began feeling tied to the Adoration Chapel, I couldn't stay away.

First, it started because I was praying for family. I went and petitioned late at night, early before classes, during breaks.

I had to pray for family.

Then, I went just because I had to be in the chapel. I had to be with Christ, solely for the sake of being in His presence.

I couldn't lean on myself, my own knowledge, my own understanding.

The only thing I knew with any certainty was that Jesus was there in the chapel, in Mass, in the Confessional, He was always there. Regardless of anything else happening, He was there.

My spiritual life- sparked by sorrows- blossomed.

I was so incredibly pursued by the Lord in this time. Perhaps it didn't feel that way in the moment. I felt broken and confused and all I could do was sit with Him.

But is this not what one does in relationship? You spend time with the Beloved. You enter into conversation with the Beloved. You choose to love the Beloved. And the relationship grows in depth and intimacy.

He sought my heart, I sought His.

On seeking and probing and contemplating His Heart- everything started to clear and peace began to be infused into my life.

There were still sorrows and stresses: the death of a family member above all, still grappling with my physical heart problems, fear of the surgery that will take place in just over 2 weeks, school responsibilities and other issues.

But my relationship with God has developed and an inexplicable joy along with it- and it is because I have really learned how to Trust. Unreservedly I trust in the goodness and love of my Creator. In the knowledge that He is all Goodness, Truth and Beauty- I know that whatever He allows or wills or sets in my path are for Good.

He has proven that hundredfold.

Along with the difficult parts of this semester, He has ravished my heart with unexpexted and joyous developments. Amazing adventures lie ahead because I trust. Plans I had have been laid to waste by the incredible opportunities He has placed in my life.

I am convinced that had my heart not been opened to Him by the difficulties of this semester, I might not have heard the whisperings of His will. I learned to trust, I learned to listen. I heard His voice and I am following with zeal and joyous excitement.

Nothing is perfect, least of all me and my part of the relationship with God.  But as CS Lewis would say: Further up and further in. There is always growth, always trust, always goodness.